So this is my first post, welcome. I think I might be a little late to the blogging party but when you realise you have a story to tell I’m not sure it matters.
This is me. It’s my journey first and foremost and if I can make someone smile along the way then that’s all I can ask for.
Well it’s a funny thing when you wake up 42 years old and you realise the life you have looks nothing like the life you thought you were going to have. Let me explain. I’m an only child so I have a great imagination. Over the years I have imagined myself in many situations and every time hoped those imaginings would become a reality when real life was passing me by.
So after some fairly serious soul searching I have decided to embrace the life I have, every wonderful, unexpected (and irritatingly expected) moment.
Let me get you up to speed. I’m middle aged, overweight, financially reliant on my mum who bails me out more often than she should, I have a four year old son a dog and an ex partner who I recently left for reasons that, if I’m honest, I should leave myself for too. Oh and I live in a Victorian terrace that needs ALOT of work and I don’t have a DIY bone in my body and extremely expensive taste. That pretty much sums it up.
The conclusion of the soul searching; I can be sad and wish things were better or I can face up to who I am and love that girl with all my heart. Only then can I work out how I live life to the full and get to know what to except and what genuinely needs to change.
There are days when this is easier than others and this blog will chronicle the journey. There is no planned destination right now but there are a few things on the ‘to think about’ list.
1. Get my act together financially.
I have a good job. I have always earned a good salary and more recently my business has done well. The thing is every time I have money I spend it. I am an emotional spender. I buy things when I’m happy, sad, frustrated, confused. Any emotion state triggers a desire to treat myself to feel better or as s reward.
This has resulted in me having debts of £40,000 that need sorting! This is my first muddle. So why is it marvellous? Well I am in a position to pay it off and the process of doing that as quickly as I can is going to teach me a thing or too.
2. I dream of a lifestyle I just don’t invest enough time to make a reality.
My second and favourite muddle you can see on my beautifully crafted Instagram account where you could be fooled into thinking I am a meditating, yoga practicing vision of calm and gratitude. Reality that’s me less than 10% of the time. When I do these things I feel good, really good. I have a ‘sticking with it’ problem. Something comes along and the self love becomes ice cream love or take away love and I grab for the nearest fastest plate of rubbish I can find and dive in. Often while scrolling through Instagram imagining myself on a yoga retreat in Bali. I even have a bloody Bali retreat saving account, no surprise current balance £0.00.
So to love me as I am I need to accept I’m not a carefully curated version of me, I’m just me. If that me does eventually get her arse to Bali that’s awesome but that’s a long way off!
3. Serious imposter syndrome
My self esteem is a variable beast. The thing is I put on a great show. I get up and talk to large crowds for a living and I people tell me I’m good at my job. I also have some awesome friends, just a handful but very cool people. For a long while I longed to be part of the cool gang but have never really stuck at anything long enough to decide which gang is the coolest.
Reality is the people I have in my life do love me just the way I am and I need to see what they see.
4. Convinced I’m going to screw my son up.
This is an interesting one to accept. The reality is while I’m worrying all the time that’s exactly what he sees, so I have to stop worrying about it to stop it happening. How tough is that! I read an article recently about how Iceland dealt with a rising problem of alcohol and drug use in their teenagers. Do you know the biggest cause, boredom! The kids that drunk and took drugs spent less time with their families. This hit me hard. Our current nanny of choice at home is Willy Wonka (Johnny Depp over Gene Wilder, sorry Gene) I know it gives me time to do stuff! And this stuff is ridiculously unimportant, but I do it anyway and leave my smart funny little boy to learn about life from a crazy chocolatier!
We won’t go into the weight thing now it’s my first blog! You get the idea my life is a series of muddles. My only goal is to embrace the marvellousness of these muddles and as I do that the hope is I work out which ones get to stay and the ones I need to sort out.
I’m not sure how I’ll go about this. When I experience a muddle in the moment I’ll write about it and post it.
So welcome to my marvellous muddle, glad you are here.
2 thoughts on “What a marvellous muddle I’m in!”
I’m currently reading your ‘marvellous muddle’ laying on a sunbed in Crete, smiling to the screen of my phone at your curious perspective on you, William and your collective future.
My smile represents an empathy of your current reality as a I am also a fellow overweight, emotionally charged single parent and have been almost 21 years! Ooh, that sounds like a celebration in itself!
I am now embracing true happiness through compatibility in my new relationship, a deeper need to enjoy every day since the sudden and hugely premature loss of my twin-like sibling and most importantly a greater sense of self; identity, wishes, needs and desires. As a recovering perfectionist and people pleaser I’m turning my energy to discovering me so I will read with profound interest how you unmuddle, de-muddle or simply accept certain muddles with love and imperfection.
Wishing you and William EVERY happiness! Let’s have another inspirational Southwold coffee. ❤️
Well the aim is to accept as much as I need to and change what needs changing so let’s see how I do. Enjoy Crete, and yes Southwold would be wonderful x