Today I’ve woken up in Llanbedr, North Wales. About as far west as you can get before hitting Ireland and a long way from home on the east coast.
In fact for the last 20 minutes of the drive Jamie Callum and BBC Radio 2 deserted me and RTE 1 took his place with a blow by blow (and very biased) commentary of the Ireland Wales rugby match last night.
So it took around eight hours to drive here. I stopped for an hour to have a conference call with a new potential partner in Romania before digging in for the final stretch.
It was dark as I reached the hills, no service on the phone, no cats eyes, horizontal rain and sheep in the road.
I was a little bit scared if I’m honest. So I stopped,found a playlist ‘songs to get you home happy’ and I sang my way over the dark wet hills.
And it occurred to me, I just need to keep moving forward however slowly as long as I keep moving. That’s what I do.
The thing is I’m not sure all that movement always does me good.
I remember Babs, my wonderful yoga teacher, observing that I am pretty flexible. It’s the poses where I have to be still I struggle with.
It’s the same when I meditate.
Elizabeth Gilbert describes it perfectly in Eat, Pray, Love. When you sit for what feels like hours and only moments have passed my mind starts to find efficiencies. If I just do the shopping list while you sit here and find yourself it’s one less thing to do!
There are times in life when simply putting one foot in front of the other is the only focus we need.
It’s gets us through doesn’t it?
But what if we are meant to be where we are right now for a while? What if we are not supposed to travel through but stop and see and feel and understand?
Thomas (my ex partner) and I have been apart for around 6 months. For some of that he was living with us so I’ve had 3 months ‘ish’ alone with William.
My first reaction. I don’t believe in love. Never again.
Next I decided the commonality of all my broken relationships was me so I must be the problem. Clearly there are things I can reflect on but I am not broken.
Then the desire to move kicked in, how will I meet someone?
And there it is. A complete and very fast conclusion of the present and the focus flips to the future.
A little voice though, helped by a dear friend, was whispering stop. Just be here now, be alone.
Now I’ve not been alone since on purpose in my living memory.
And I’m not sure why. I think it could be that I don’t like myself that much and I’ve always thought I’ll be happy when; I lose weight, I earn…, when I’m married, when I have….
And on it goes.
So here I am. Alone through choice, still fat, still broke, and single.
And the plan to stay right where I am.
Everyday I think about what I’m grateful for and take the time to enjoy, fear, hope, mourn and really feel.
And I’m really starting to like that girl I see in the mirror.