I haven’t written a post for a while. It’s been a weird start to 2019. An old friend is qualifying as a coach and needed some case studies, without thinking I volunteered.
I coach people all the time in my job. I know the power of it and how when the truth hits you it can feel like the biggest relief or the mightiest blow. I wasn’t prepared for the punch I was about to get clean on the nose!
We decided to get started on a long car trip back from delivering a week of big events for a client. In hindsight possibly not the best timing but both of us little ones and work full time so three hours in a car just the two of us with like a stepping into a spa and slipping on those complimentary slippers.
I’ve known Sara for years there was no need for the getting to know you chat, she’s one of the few humans on earth I’ve let in over the years and she sees me. Always has warts and all.
We started to chat and the questions kept coming. I could feel something rising in my chest and it needed to get out but at the same time I was readying myself for the punch. Then it struck. I cried so hard and I was transported back to the stair case of my prep school homesick and lonely wishing I could escape. That little girl was so scared and she had absolutely no control over what happened to her. However hard she tried to make people listen nobody did.
And there it was raw and ugly and all mine. I felt like I couldn’t breathe and it hurt (it still does I’m typing this through more tears).
The thing is once the first wave passed we talked more and we still are. I am starting to understand where some of my crazy comes from and I’m understanding the impact it’s had on me and people around me.
I have lost relationships I should have fought harder for. I have blown money and eaten my way into a body I am unhappy with all under the illusion I am taking back control.
That is changing now. I’m learning that all the control I thought I wanted makes me unhappy. The rules I have to live by are my rules I can change or break them. I don’t need to get drunk to make it go away I can just feel it. Yes it hurts but it’s real and I’m not trying to control it and keep it down I’m experiencing it. It feels like the hurt is doing its job weirdly.
As I write this it’s 4am here in New York but my body thinks it’s time to get up. This time difference is giving me space, borrowed time. I am not sleeping. I haven’t slept in a few weeks now but it will pass so my early hours are now spent in the company of Joe Wicks or the other crazies roaming the streets here. It’s nice in a funny way.
It gives me time. Right now if I’m honest I’m battling with the biggest consequence of all of this. I’ve lost someone and when you lose people you grieve. When you’ve pulled the trigger (metaphorically speaking) it’s even harder because you know if only. But over time I know this will change.
It’s about finding air in the smallest cracks. When you find it take the biggest breathe!
Nobody is perfect and everyone makes mistakes. All we can do is admit to them and trust people will forgive us. If they don’t we have to allow them that.
As a recovering control freak my limbic brain is still going utterly nuts as I type that which makes me smile!
I am not what I think, they are just thoughts!