This picture was taken in 2013. Its a beach in St Lucia, in the distance you can see the sail boat I was calling home, and a glass of wine to wash the sun down with. Not only is it thousands of miles away from here, it feels like so far from me right now.
Its an island I loved just like the one I find myself on right now, but not one I want to live on anymore
I’m typing from my office at home on a very wet cold first day back at work on my lunch break at 3pm in the afternoon!
New Year this year has been interesting. I made a big decision to support a friend in a time when I’m not sure if my help is really helping. And it got me thinking. What do I really want?
I started this blog as a way of venting the many muddles in my life I felt fat, financially trapped and pretty scared of everything. Fast forward and although I still have a way to go to hit my true fighting weight I’m much happier with who I see in the mirror. My finances are still in a muddle but I’ve stopped pretending they are not and that is such a relief. I have admitted I still have feelings for someone and I’m ok with that rather than making out to everyone I’m over everything and ridiculously happy with my ‘freedom’.
Life is not too shit.
So why the new year revolution – well it turns out I choose to spend huge amounts of time alone or around people who don’t really care about me. Its a super safe place to be, hiding in the crowd. I’m really good at it too.
People you love come with expectations, they have an opinion and stuff and if I’m honest I find all that a wee bit terrifying. I worry I’m not funny enough, will I get too drunk and embarrass them, will I not get drunk enough and reveal I am in fact bloody boring! All these things get in the way. I know some of you suffer with this stuff too and its no surprise but when people don’t know its massively hard work being sociable. So the only alternative is to isolate yourself, stay in the crowd be there but don’t dive all the way in.
A New Years resolution is not going to help with this, it’s an old habit and to break it I need to start a revolution on my own island, the one I beached myself on.
Today was my first day back at work, it’s fab. I do love my job and the people I work with it just doesn’t feel like work and the time flies (I reiterate I am writing this on my lunch break at 3pm). In a work sense I can connect with people all day and its comfortable, enjoyable and well easy. I need to apply the same approach to life more generally.
So what the hell does that look like?
I need to ask the question more, be as honest in real life as I am on this keyboard. Shall we go out for a drink? Do you fancy meeting up? I miss you.
This was all triggered by a photo – this one!
Taken in St Lucia seven years ago. I was on a sailing trip with a bunch of complete strangers and loving it. I admit this was taken a few days in and shampoo and hair dryers aren’t really an option on a sail boat but I love this girl. I love her smile and the happiness I see in her eyes. I love that she flew thousands of miles to jump on a boat with a bunch of people she didn’t know and had the best time.
This little island I have created has kept me safe but its not where I need to be anymore, it’s time to set sail and start a new adventure. One where I get to be me and William’s Mummy. Where I get to let my hair down, meet up with friends.
And thank you for all of you that have welcomed me as the William and Jane package for the last couple of years. This revolution is not a coup we will not be overthrowing anyone just creating a movement that has a slightly different manifesto.
To spend more time with the people I love.
Vive la revolucion!