Online dating, paddles and that infamous spark

I finally gave in. After a great weekend away with a girlfriend I signed up to an online dating site.

I had no real expectations, I’d heard some horror stories but hey if you don’t try you’ll never know right.

The first thing I should make clear is that my confidence feeds off being around people I feel safe with and I know. When I’m around strangers it turns into this geeky girl that gets clumsy, awkward and spends so long thinking about what she should do she often misses the moment .

I’m also pretty old fashioned in the sense that I’m much more comfortable with a guy making the first move. Though I have been known to be brave

So like any ill prepared and slightly naive gladiator, I enter the ring. No armour no strategy just an open heart and an ideal that there is someone out there for me.

It seemed to start well. I chatted to a few people, some fell by the wayside as they were just too far away others just didn’t seem to have ‘it’ whatever it is!

I took it on good advice that the best plan is to meet people early on you can be anyone on what’s app but it takes meeting someone to really get a sense of who they are.

What comes next is my interpretation I am very aware you are only getting my perspective but as a fairly smart girl in her forties I’m not sure I’m that far from reality.

The first guy, let’s call him Mr Blue. He quickly established he didn’t do messaging so if I wanted to meet that was great. He looked nice enough and we arranged to grab lunch. Other than making plans no contact. I’m not great with rules but I thought hey go with it.

We met for lunch and it seemed to be going well, then the interrogation started. He was analysing me, giving me multiple choice questions and telling me about his theory. Still I let it go and we spent a few hours together.

This, as it turns out this was my first serial dater. An animal well rehearsed in small talk. He had a plan of action and he stuck to it. No surprise when he messaged me after the date to tell me he felt I was argumentative and he wasn’t sure if he needed that in his life. Throw me a bone I mean seriously poke about at my values til I bite then accuse me of arguing? It felt more like defending myself.

Lesson one – bring armour to the ring!

So a little shaken by this first experience I didn’t give up and chatted to a few more people. A quick summary of those who didn’t quite make the date list. Mr Red offering to spank me with a paddle, Mr Pink who just seemed so desperate that he would do or say anything to get on a date.

Then enter Mr Green. The one that caught me off guard. It was his smile I noticed first. So I decided to take the bull by the horns and asked if he wanted to meet for a drink.

It was a yes. So we met, both a little nervous and shy it felt nice to both feel a little vulnerable. He had these eyes you couldn’t stop looking at. I liked him and after a clumsy hug and me foolishly declining his offer to walk me home I wondered if I’d blown it.

I was soon put out of my misery when a message popped up. He’d had a nice evening too. He was keen to meet again and so was I. A week passed we messaged and due to busy lives we settled on a walk.

My second big mistake, two shy people walking is not the way to see if you really have chemistry, a few drinks would have been much more sensible but on a walk we went.

We chatted he came round for a cup of tea so far so good right.

I could feel myself really liking this guy so I did what any sensible girl would I checked we were on the same page. I didn’t expect the response it was charming he did indeed like me and fancied me even! Well there you go we could rectify the nerves with date three have a few drinks and really get to know each other, right?


The next day I get a lovely message,that he’d clearly thought about, telling me he did not feel we were suited and there was no spark.

This was a bit of a shock, as you can imagine. I’d done my due diligence made sure we were on the same page then the message popped up and that was that.

Don’t get me wrong everyone has the right to change their mind but why tell someone one thing when you must know in your heart you are not feeling it?

That bit baffles me. And all credit to him for at least letting me know, I hear many simply never contact you again.

So it got me thinking, this elusive spark we are all looking for. My question is when do you notice it? Is it instant or does grow and when does it kick in.

Now I have what could be an unpopular theory I think spark is a physical thing.

You meet someone rip their clothes off and spend three days in a hotel room something gets you to the room but when does the spark ignite? I have to say on the few occasions in my life when that has happened it’s been intense and short lived.

What about people you want to get to know, to make plans with, hell even grow old together? Does that spark not grow as you get to know the person or is it only ever the magnetism.

You can see why so many people head straight for getting naked! Nature kicks in you get flooded with so many chemicals it’s awesome but what about those people that marry their best friend? I know a couple of them and they are some of the most passionate people I know and it’s lasted a lot longer than three day hotel guy.

So for now I have dipped my toe into the online dating pond and I’ve been bitten, offered to be netted and been left feeling a little empty. I’m not sure it’s for me. The quick judgement that constant wondering if you should go in for the kiss or let them. And on which date?

Getting to know some one first or after you have spent some time naked there is no right or wrong it’s just about taking a chance.

And that’s what the lovely Mr Green has taught me. I should have gone with my gut. It still might not have worked out but the shy geeky girl would have been brave, leaned in and kissed him on the sofa. Just to see what would happen next.

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