Christmas time, full of love and loneliness

Hello Muddlers,

We made it. Boxing Day is here. William and I are playing with all the toys he got for Christmas, Prosecco in hand, wood burner on and enough snacks and leftovers in the house to feed a small army.

I am so aware of just how much I have to be grateful for.

We spent Christmas Eve and Christmas Day with family, we were spoiled with gifts and food and love.

As I sit here on Boxing Day I’m mad at myself for missing someone everyone tells me I shouldn’t be missing. Funny isn’t it how you fall for people that are ‘bad’ for you.

Seven years ago today I was waiting for the love of my life to fly in to meet me in St Lucia, life was good we had each other and that’s all we needed. Skinny dipping in the ocean, champagne, sailing and our lives thousands of miles away.

Fast forward seven years I’m here with our son, my world, our creation we are making things with Lego and cogs, eating snacks in a house that is warm and full of food ( I mean seriously so full of food) and I’m happy and sad all at once.

I miss my ex there I said it. No one wants me to everyone wants me to move on and be ‘happy’ the thing is even when he is mean and angry he is my happy place, my favourite memory, my partner in crime, the guy who I wanted to take on the world with.

My family get mad at me, the ones that love me want me to move on, forget and ‘be happy’

I do too I wish it could be different I wish we could have worked it out found a place we could start from all over again. But can you go back? I mean my arse is bigger I have a tummy and I’m tired a lot more than I used to be, so I guess it’s not meant to be.

So the new decade that is hurtling towards us that is so full of potential and opportunity and fresh starts I need to run for that train. Accept what cannot be changed and focus on my future.

We live in a world that tells us just to breathe and believe – honestly I breathe every second and believe as often as I can but I’m still sat here on Boxing Day wishing William’s Daddy was here.

So I guess what I really need is to forgive myself for our relationship not working out, for failing to give my son what I never had for not having the happy ever after.

Disney has a lot to bloody answer for I tell you.

Real life well sometimes it’s a bit shit, even when you have amazing family and friends.

So here’s to things being a bit shit, having a cry, having a word and getting back up ( with a bit of a hangover) and cracking on.

But first Kung fu panda, a glass of Prosecco and a good cry – then 2020 I am taking you by the horns and getting my shit together.

Love, laughter and accepting I am who I am that’s my New Years resolution.

Be kind to yourselves muddles, no one gets out of this alive xxx

3 thoughts on “Christmas time, full of love and loneliness

  1. Be kinder to yourself. Your feelings are entirely justified, and normal. Give yourself a break, your not perfect, and frankly you wouldn’t be half the amazing person you are if you were. Your history has shaped you into the woman you are today. Be kind to yourself, you deserve it. Xx

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Honest and true as ever Jane. Have been there too but never ever said it out loud. It does get better, but there are fleeting moments, still a decade later I wonder ‘if only’. Wishing you and William a wonderful new year in 2020 xx

    Liked by 1 person

  3. It’s been 6 months, our kids are 13 and 16, I miss him enough it still physically hurts. He is still who I want to grow older with. 25 years wasn’t, isn’t enough but I am trying to start again, to disentangle our lives from when we were 16. Alone is hard, I don’t like it.

    Like

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